remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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