girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize