im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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