This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
