I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
