my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dignity is for republicans.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
