he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We talked him into tasing himself.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
