the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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