You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
