As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
