Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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