Just mADE A PArabola og urine
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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