you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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