just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
