This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
