the condom got lost in my hair
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
