I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
