The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
