I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
