So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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