Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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