i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
