I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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