my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
