I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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