Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
