u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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