Im at strip club and am horny
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
