Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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