Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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