I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
