Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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