Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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