I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
