I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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