Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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