She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
