dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
