fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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