ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
