I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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