considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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