So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
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He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
there is glitter all over my balls
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