remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
