White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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