Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
