This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
