I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
