I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize