Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
