there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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