Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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