man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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