Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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