She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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