this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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