ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
